Top Girls: A Evangelion and Top Gear Fusion!
by shanejayell
Summary: Misato Katsuragi, Ritsuko Akagi and Maya Ibuki host Top Gear!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from this fanfiction, nor do I own the concept of Top Gear. This is a silly and non-logical fanfiction, and should not at all be taken seriously.

Top Girls: the Christmas Episode

"Welcome, welcome," Misato Katsuragi smiled as the purple-black haired woman waved her hand to quiet the crowd a bit, "welcome to Top Gear! Tonight's our Christmas episode, and we have a lot of exciting things to show you."

Ritsuko Akagi looked vaguely pained as the dyed blonde haired woman often called 'Captain Slow' noted, "I'll be trotting out several gifts, and as you know I'll have picked them properly."

Maya Ibuki nodded as the slightly more stylish brown haired girl noted, "And we'll be testing out the new Bugatti Veyron against the Evangelion Unit-0."

Misato pouted as she noted, "I wanted to drive the Veyron, but after my accident with the Honda exploding, our insurers won't let me drive it."

"Can you blame them?" Ritsuko muttered.

Misato looked at her, "What was that?"

Ritsuko smiled, "Nothing, nothing."

"Anyway, our first review will be the new Mitsuoka Susanoo," Maya sighed heading off a argument as they cut to their 'test track,' really a section of Tokyo-3 cleared of traffic.

The 2 door coupe raced by with a grinning Misato sitting behind the wheel, the sleek black car racing along merrily. It had a lot of very busy decoration, swoops and turns along the body, and a small but effective looking spoiler. The lights were high up on each side of the rounded hood, and it gave it a slightly dazed look.

"The Susanoo is the latest in Mitsuoka's line of exclusive, low production cars," Misato noted conversationally, "and it's their first to reach a run of a thousand cars. However, it's a incredibly powerful machine."

The engine roared as Misato floored it, the thrust pushing her back into the seat. "It's not the fastest car due to it's weight," Misato noted, "but the redesigned Honda engine produces some incredible horsepower."

Another roar as the engine shifted gear, the car skidding onto a straighaway. The turbo kicked in and slammed Misato backwards, even as smoke poured out from the back wheels. "Poweerr!" Misato yelled as it raced along. "It manages zero to sixty under three seconds, then just keeps on going to a respectable two hundred. However," she grabbed the wheel and braked, "it has some issues."

Slowing down it nearly fishtailed as the back end dragged, and the car wobbled dangerously. "The four wheel drive and traction control try hard," Misato noted, "but it suffers from both under-steer and over-steer, depending on circumstances."

"However," Misato said as she raced towards another turn, "I think I've mastered it." They started to turn as she muttered, "Easy.. easy... oh damn." Suddenly the car spun out, blowing smoke as she wrestled it to a stop. "Well, damn," she sighed.

They cut to a scene with her standing by the car as Misato continued, "The five speed transmission would be nice if it wasn't a automatic, but sadly they've crippled the poor thing. It's also hideously expensive, running from twenty million yen, and that's not counting optional extras."

Misato gestured to the car, "It's a powerful, fun ride, but I really can't recommend it."

They switched to the studio, where the Susanoo was sitting amid the crowds as Misato, Ritsuko and Maya stood nearby. "So, it's a fun ride but too expensive?" Ritsuko summarized.

"That and the steering bites," Misato admitted cheerfully, "it's a bit like driving a American supercar, as if you were trying to haul a cow upstairs."

"I want to apologize to all our American viewers," Maya sighed as the crowd chuckled.

Ritsuko just ignored that, "Now, we need to see how fast the Susanoo is, which means taking it around our test track. And that means handing it over to our tame racing driver."

Misato smiled slightly, "Some say she secretly wants to trigger Third Impact." She paused as the crowd murmured, "And that she has two mothers and was born in a laboratory. All we know is, she's called the Stig!"

Out in the Susanoo a figure dressed in a black jumpsuit and helmet Started the car, reving it up a moment before roaring off. "And the Stig is off!" Misato declared, "Building speed on the straight, but she'll need to brake soon!"

Tires squealed as the Stig twisted around the corner, wobbling a bit. "there's that under-steer, but the Stig is keeping it handled," Misato noted. "there's the Schumaker memorial turn, bit more wobble there. Down through Gambon-2, another turn and over the line!"

The crowd clapped as Misato, Ritsuko and Maya walked over to the track time board, Misato carrying the slip of paper. "I didn't think it did so badly," Ritsuko noted, "other than the steering issues."

"I expected it to be near the upper level of one minute or so, but sadly it didn't make it," Misato admitted as she moved the sheet to the middle rank, "one minute and ten seconds."

"And now the news!" Ritsuko said. "Well, normally it'd be the news, but in fact we'll be discussing Christmas gifts today."

The three women settled around the couch, where a TV monitor was waiting with the Top Gear logo, along with piles of stuff. "And I just want to say that, unlike our last special," Misato held up a NERV mug pointedly, "there will be no product placement by our sponsors."

"No," Maya agreed, opening her jacket to reveal a NERV t-shirt, "no product placement at all."

"You two...," Ritsuko sighed, shaking her head as the crowd laughed. "Of course there's going to be product placement, NERV is actually producing gear that's useful to drivers."

"So, what did you bring today, senpai?" Maya asked curiously.

"The NERV plugsuit, driver's edition," Ritsuko said as the image of the redhead modelling it appeared on the TV screen. The orange material stuck like a second skin, causing whistles from young men in the crowd. Ritsuko ignored that as she continued, "It's fire resistant, puncture resistant and temperature controlled."

"And isn't there another version?" Misato asked with a sly smile.

Ritsuko flushed slightly. "There is also this version, yes," she conceded as a perky, brown haired girl with glasses appeared n the screen, modelling a slightly different one. You could tell she was perky because the front of the plugsuit was mostly transparent.

"I hearby dub this the 'Happy sexy times' version," Misato pronounced.

Defensively Maya said, "As I understand it this was designed for better medical monitoring of the pilot."

"Well, you can certainly be monitoring a lot with that," Misato joked. She rummaged around, "Which reminds me, have you seen the latest shirts they're marketing?"

"Shirts?" Ritsuko asked suspiciously.

"You all remember the indestructible Toyota, right?" Misato asked as she held the cloth in her arm, "Well, Toyota has a new ad campaign." She held up the t-shirt reading, 'Toyota: It even survived Second Impact.'

"Isn't that a bit tasteless?" Maya had to say.

"Agreed," Misato said, "but I have something that'll improve it." She casually took out a lighter and set the shirt on fire, then dropped it too the floor.

"It's too close to the presents!" Ritsuko yelped as the burning shirt caught a box on fire.

"Ack!" Misato started stomping on the flaming shirt and box, even as Maya readied the fire extinguisher. They successfully got t out, Misato collapsuing back into her seat with a sigh.

"Idiot," Ritsuko sighed.

Maya decided to ignore that as she said, "Moving on..."

"Yes," Ritsuko sighed, "well, despite our covering supercars on our show, we are aware that not everyone can afford one. But Toymec, a small company in England, has a solution!" She wipped off the cloth covering the object beside her, "Pedal powered replicas of supercars!"

Misato burst into laughter at the mini car, open topped like a child's pedal car. Unlike a child's toy though it was a accurate replica, at least on the outside. "Who could fit it?" she demanded, looking it over. She smiled suddenly, "Maya!"

"Do I have to?" Maya complained as the more petite girl climbed in. With a bit of adjustment she managed to get her feet to the pedals, grabbed the wheel and zipped around the hangar. "This is actually kind of fun," she conceded.

\\

"All right," Misato said after they pried Maya out of the car and settled around the TV, "what's next?"

"Uhm, you know how companies like to put logos on products?" Maya asked with a slight blush, "Well, I found something interesting shopping a few days ago." She produced a small tube shapped object and passed it to Ritsuko.

Ritsuko looked at the steel tube, with a NERV logo on it. "It looks like a entry plug," she noted, passing it to Misato.

"Twist the bottom," a blushing Maya told her.

Misato did, then jerked as the tube began to vibrate and warm in her hands. She nearly dropped it in surprise, then laughed. "Well, that's one use for a entry plug," she chuckled, shaking her head. "What kind of shop did you go into?" she questioned.

Everyone laughed as Maya sank deeper into her seat. "Well, let's move on to our challenge," Ritsuko took pity on her coworker as she said, "and it's going to be a doozy. We're racing a Bugatti Veyron Epsilon against the Evangelion!"

"And to keep things interesting, Ritsuko and I will be trying to cross Tokyo-3 using just public transit while they race," Misato said cheerfully.

"To make things more even the Evangelion will not be allowed to damage any buildings or vehicles, which will compensate somewhat for it's giant steps," Ritsuko said. "Now, let's get to it!"

Outside on the streets of Tokyo-3, the massive blue Evangelion was set in a runner's start position, while Maya was at the wheel of the sleek, powerful Bugatti Veyron. Maya flexed her hands on the wheel, "The Unit-0 is the prototype, and is a bit clumsy. With that plus the raw power of this car, I'm confident," Maya paused, "ish."

"Go!" the lab coated man with a almost pedo-beard declared.

The Evangelion was off, stepping masively as it carefully avoided hitting anything. With a squeel of tires Maya was off, even as Misato and Ritsuko walked to the train station. "Think Maya has a chance in hell?" Misato had to ask.

"Nope," Ritsuko admitted.

To be continued...?

Notes: This is sort of the Evangelion cast doing a 'tribute' to Top Gear. I could see Misato being a fan, at least, and maybe a few others too. This story was also strongly inspired by Nobody Dies, though it is not a direct crossover. (The entry plug vibrator was from Nobody Dies.)


	2. Two Weeks Ago

Top Girls: Behind the Scenes

Two weeks ago, the office of Gendo Ikari

Gendo pushed up his glasses, the bearded man smiling slightly. "Welcome to Top Gear season number six, or season twenty if we had kept to the old numbering," he explained as the producer led them out of his production office.

Satsuki Ooi followed him out, the attractive reporter asking, "Isn't it odd for NERV to be producing a television show along with fighting the Angels?"

"Morale," Gendo shrugged, "the Top Gear program keeps peoples hopes up and gives them something to smile about." He didn't mention that making NERV popular TV stars would keep the army and UN from moving against them. That, as they say, was a bonus.

"How did you pick the hosts?" Satsuki asked.

They went out of the small building at the edge of Tokyo-3. Nearby was the massive hangar they filmed Top Gear out of, as well as buildings for car maintenance and other purposes. "Did you watch the original Top Gear?" Gendo asked. "I mean, before London flooded."

"I reviewed the DVDs," Satsuki admitted. She brightened slightly as she realized what he was getting at, "You chose them based on the original hosts."

"Indeed," Gendo agreed as they went into the hangar. "Not that they're TOO alike. But I looked for similarities in our staff."

"And so you got your power trio," Satsuki agreed as they watched the three women rehearse nearby a salvaged BMW.

Satsuki could see the similarities, now that it had been pointed out to her. Misato was bold and somewhat loud, much like Jeremy Clarkson. Ritsuko was smart and precise, similar to James May. And Maya was shorter, energetic and cute, like Richard Hammond.

"So, how many NERV staff are involved with Top Gear?" Satsuki asked curiously, the two of them passing under one of the camera booms.

"Not many," Gendo admitted, "any staff are volunteers, pretty much." He smiled, "The pilots rather enjoy joining in."

"Hmm," Satsuki nodded.

Indeed the three Evangelion pilots were often in Top Gear, though usually in the background. They often played 'scientists' giving challenges to the three hosts, and had appeared in both the Christmas episodes the new series had filmed.

"Come on, let me introduce you," Gendo said, leading her over to the hosts. "Everyone, this is Satsuki, she'll be filming a segment for our DVD, as well as a web-streaming episode."

"Nice to meet you," Misato smiled, shaking her hand firmly.

"You too," Satsuki smiled.

"Welcome to Top Gear," Maya said politely.

"Hello," Ritsuko nodded, looking a little reserved.

The group ended up on the couches near the center of the hangar, where the hosts normally talk about the news and interviewed guests. Gendo left them and they settled down into a series of short interviews. Well, more like a round table discussion, but either way it'd make good material for the special later,

"Now, you do challenges in each season," Satsuki said cheerfully, "based on the original Top Gear. What's been the most exciting one you've done?"

The three women exchanged looks as they silently questioned one another. "I think the South America trip," Maya finally admitted.

"That was hairy," Misato agreed, drinking from what Satsuki assumed was a can of coffee. There was no way that could be beer, could it?

"Second Impact hit South America hard," Ritsuko nodded her agreement, "indeed the entire southern hemisphere. Did you know that there are over 200 new species that have appeared since impact? And even more have died out?"

"Here she goes again," Misato groaned, clearly having heard this talk before. She took another drink of her can of coffee or soda, CERTAINLY not beer.

Trying to head off a argument Maya said, "The animals were bad, but I think the bandits we ran into were worse."

"Were you really chased by," Satsuki checked her notes, "a group calling themselves the African Liberation Army?"

"Well, that's what they called themselves," Misato snorted in amusement, "but they were really just a band of glorified pirates. They tried to hit us as we were retracing the original Top Gear team's trip across Botswanna."

"That was scary," Ritsuko conceded. "We were driving three beaters that had survived war and disasters, that were just barely holding together. Then we had to gun the engines to escape the bandits and hope they didn't explode."

"And a film crew," Maya added.

"Poor Kaji, they nearly caught him," Misato snickered, remembering.

"But yeah, our rust heaps were a bit better than their rust heaps, and we managed to escape with our lives," Ritsuko chuckled.

"And except for a few bullet holes, unharmed," Maya nodded.

"So, are you going to try to reproduce all of the old Top Gear challenges?" Satsuki asked them curiously.

"Well, there's some we can't do," Ritsuko admitted, "the Polar Challenge is right out, for instance." Everyone nodded, conceding that global warming after Second Impact had melted the polar icecaps too much for that. "But yes, we want to at least try to replicate the challenges."

"And coming up with new challenges," Misato added eagerly. "We're looking into trying to race sports cars against Evangelions, assuming Gendo agrees."

"I'm fairly confident he will," Ritsuko smiled smugly.

Satsuki wondered why Ritsuko was so confident, but decided it wasn't her business. "Are there any challenges you're refused to do?" she asked.

"The car to boat one," Misato admitted after a moment's thought.

"You mean, building a car so that it could also work as a boat," Satsuki clarified. "Why not?"

Misato smiled, "Well the idea of doing that itself doesn't bother me, but we didn't have any models that would work."

"Most Japanese cars wouldn't work for waterproofing then taking to the water," Ritsuko agreed, "we MIGHT manage it if we could find some older US cars, but they're beyond our budget."

"They're even expensive used, now," Maya agreed.

"Best car you've driven?" Satsuki had to ask.

Maya almost instantly said, "The latest Bugatti Veyron."

"Hey, I wanted to say that!" Misato complained. She sat back, looking thoughtful, "Well, for a second choice, I am liking the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. It's a bit too gadget heavy, especially the twentieth version, but DAMN is it powerful."

Ritsuko rolled her eyes at both their choices. "I actually like to drive something that won't mash my spine," she said dryly.

"This from the woman who owns Porsches," Misato teased.

Ritsuko sniffed, "I like my Porsche."

Satsuki finished up the interviews, then went over to talk to the director. The older man gave several good stories, then looked at her thoughtfully, "Do you really want to get a feel for Top Gear?"

"Yes?" Satsuki asked tentatively.

"Then you need to ride with the Stig."

Within minutes she was fitted with a helmet and out on the track, watching with wide eyes as the car went around the track then skidded to a stop. The Stig was behind the wheel, the mysterious, black clad woman turning her matching helmet to gaze at her patiently.

"Uhm, hello," Satsuki smiled nervously as she went around to the passenger's side and belted herself in to the racing harness.

The Stig didn't answer, and frankly Satsuki wasn't expecting her to. Like the Stig from the original Top Gear she didn't talk, never removed her helmet and no one, officially, knew who she was. Personally she suspected the Stig was really Rei Ayanami, the mysterious pilot of Unit-0, but she couldn't prove it.

"Nice day for a drive?" Satsuki tried.

The Stig just gave her a look. Then, as if certain she was belted in, the Stig put the coupe in gear and was off in a squeal of tires. Satsuki squealed in dismay, clutching the dash as they raced down the track then into a hard turn.

"Slow down!" Satsuki yelped.

Stig just ignored that, racing through the small track connected to the studio. While not as good as racing through the city, she could certainly take Satsuki for a interesting ride. And she was clearly very determined to do so.

The raced right towards one of the outside shacks, this one used for guests to the show. "Oh god...," Satsuki moaned, sure they were going to die.

With a twist of the wheel Stig put them into a power slide, then tore off down the track in a almost perfect right turn. With incredible skill she navigated the twisty section farthest from the hangar, then floored it again as they hit a straightaway.

"Eeep," Satsuki managed as they accellerated, the pressure shoving her back into her seat.

The Stig pulled another power sluid, drifting through a turn then with a screech of tires brough them to a halt... almost exactly where they started from. She seemed calm and unruffled from the trip, unbuckling and stepping out of the car with a almost jaunty step.

Satsuki unbuckled with shaking hands and nearly fell out of the car. She staggered away a few steps, dropped to her knees and promptly threw up, even as she became aware of three people coming out of the hangar towards her.

Ritsuko helped her up, smiling wryly, "Welcome to the team. Everyone who rides with the Stig does that."

"Misato didn't," Maya noted as she looked at Satsuki with concern.

"Yes, but Misato's a freak of nature," Ritsuko shrugged.

"I HEARD THAT," Misato growled.

To be continued...

Notes: Sorta a 'zero episode' I suppose. Based very loosely on the bonus features that come with the Top Gear DVDs, as well as a Sixty Minutes spot on the TV show. May or may not continue this. Also debating on revealing who the Stig is in this story...


	3. Chapter 3

Top Girls: Three

Misato REALLY hated Valentines Day. Thank god that the 'girls give guys chocolate' tradition had been replaced by the Western version, but it was still aggrivating as hell. Worse, with her popularity as a TV host she got flooded with cards and gifts.

"Wow," Maya noted, the smaller host joining her in the mail room. She also had a huge sack of cards and gifts, from her devoted fans.

Misato smirked. Amusingly Maya was even more popular, though mostly with girls. She even had FANCLUBS. Maybe it was the boyish good looks?

"Ugh," Ritsuko sighed as she came in, looking slightly messier than normal.

"Long night?" Misato teased.

"Unlike some of us I do have other jobs," Ritsuko grumbled.

"Hey, I do my NERV duties too," Misato complained, hurt. Though admittedly her work load wasn't as insane as Ritsuko's. She made a mental note to suggest to Gendo that some of her work be offloaded to Rit's assistants. Knowing Ritsuko's workahollic qualities she'd probably object, though...

Maya looked sheepish too. "Can I help out, Senpai?" she offered meekly, having once been ne of those assistants.

"No, it's fine," Ritsuko gave a wry smile, "it's just trying to juggle the repairs for UNIT-02 with everything else that's going on."

"Well, ask for help occassionally," Misato ordered. "You know we can juggle staff if needed."

Deciding it might be wise to change the subject Maya wondered, "Do we know what Gendo has planned for us this time?"

"He's been banging around trying to redo one of the United States trips Top Gear did," Misato noted, "but he's getting some resistance from the US government."

"Not surprising, considering how messed up a lot of the US is," Ritsuko said thoughtfully, "if we cut across country some stuff they do not want the world to see would turn up."

"WE could always announce that the US is blocking us going in on television," Misato suggested evilly, "bet that would get some butts kicked."

"Would make things harder long term," Maya cautioned before adding, "let's let the diplomats play things out first."

"Oh poo," Misato pouted making everyone laugh.

"We've got a staff meeting in a hour," Ritsuko reminded them as she picked up her sack of mail, "best get going."

Running the Top Gear shows along with their NERV duties was a balancing act for everyone involved. Maya hurried to check her email for any technical issues coming up from her department, while also reading over the script she had been sent. While most of the scenes between her, Misato and Ritsuko were improvised, there was still a underlying structure.

'Hmm, I get to test out that new Ferrari,' Maya noted. She had started out kind of... wary of the idea of doing the fast car testing along with Misato, but she was really enjoying it now. It helped that they took reasonable precautions, of course.

"Miss Maya!" one of the interns rushed up. "Uhm.. this is for you!"

Maya took the box of chocolates, smiling at the young man even as she wondered how she was going to explain she liked girls...

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The Stig got a lot of fanmail too, which went unanswered of course. Most of it was sent to Gendo's office, as he rather enjoyed reading it. There was a certain unique oddness in people who wrote to a unspeaking racing suited figure in a helmet. The letters broke up into piles assuming the Stig was male or female, then were filled with everything from love letters, marriage proposals and more.

Gendo popped a valentines chocolate in his mouth and chewed as he sat back. So far, his revival of Top Gear was very successful, on several fronts. It had humanized NERV in the eyes of the public and brought public support to a all time high, it bewildered and confused SEELE and it provided a source of funding seperate from the UN and their political masters.

And, Gendo admitted, it was fun.

The next Angel wasn't due for several weeks, so Gendo was considering what their next big episode would be on. The ruins of Old Tokyo were a possibility, though it might raise issues with those who had once lived there. Still, the idea of a multivehicle race across the ruined city was attractive. And they could do it in the style of the old show... give the drivers a budget and make them buy banged up used cars for the trip.

Gendo checked through his mail then came across two messages he had been waiting for. Opening both he perused the files and smile, then printed up copies. His staff, he decided, would need to hear about this.

The production meeting was starting in a few minutes as Gendo Ikari strode in, the black suited man moving to the head of the table automatically. Everyone murmured greetings as he took his place, while Gendo nodded in reply.

"We've heard back from BBC about our request to get information on the original Top Gear hosts, and what happened to them after Second Impact," Gendo said calmly.

All three hosts sat up and took notice at that. All three had become fans watching reruns of the original show, and had wondered what happened to the hosts.

Gendo ruffled one set of papers and read, "James May was flying aboard a Dreamliner flying out from London when the shock wave from Second Impact hit. The avionics blew out, in the process disabling the pilot."

He paused, and Ritsuko smiled slightly. "May landed it, of course," she said.

"Of course," Gendo agred. "May brought it down onto a highway, did a fair bit of damage but almost everyone survived. He promptly headed back to London, presumably because he assumed that would be where he might find out what happened. He arrived just as the Royal Corps of Engineers were preparing to build dykes to keep London safe from the rising seas, and ended up being drafted by the officer in charge, pretty much."

"He got knighted for that!" Maya remembered. She looked sheepish, "I didn't recognize him because of all the grey in his hair."

"Richard Hammond also survived, and ended up enlisting in the British Army after Impact. He served in distinction during the Impact wars, and is currently a Lt Colonel," Gendo said coolly.

"I have to admit, I have a hard time imaging 'The Hamster' as a Colonel," Misato admitted with a smile. "Still, glad to hear he made it. What about Clarkson?"

Gendo sighed, for a moment looking uncomfortable. "No one knows what happened, but he's presumed dead," he admitted. "He left a shoot for a television program shortly before Impact. He never made it home."

There were a lot of stories like that, everyone knew. When the Second Impact hit, people had thought it was the end of the world and acted accordingly. Some lived up to a higher standard, saving lives and helping, while others fell to darker impulses.

"Would either man be interested in appearing on our version?" Ritsuko asked curiously.

"I sent a request," Gendo admitted, "but no answer yet. The representative of the BBC informed me that the two had been reluctant to appear for their proposed Top Gear reunion, so I expect not."

"Too bad," Ritsuko admitted, "though I rather dread how they might react to our version."

"Hmm," Maya agreed. She looked at Gendo, "I read the latest script, but I think the segments are a bit too short, sir."

"That's because we are adding another segment," Gendo said with a smile. His minions knew that smile, and all three looked worried.

"Oh you have GOT to be kidding me," Misato groaned a few seconds latter once Gendo explained the road race through old Tokyo.

"We're going to need emergency teams," Maya noted glumly.

"Or even have a evangelion on stand by," Ritsuko suggested.

"Still could be a hell of a show," Misato noted thoughfully now that she was thinking about it more. "Vehicles... wanna make it more interesting by banning anything off road?"

"Misato!" Maya whimpered.

"Agreed," Gendo said promptly. "Just like the original Top Gear, you'll be given limited funds and face several challenges while racing through the city."

Ritsuko sighed, "I'll start setting up search and rescue plans, just in case."

"Old Tokyo is that dangerous?" Maya had to ask.

"No," Gendo answered.

"Yes," Misato answered just as promptly. They exchanged glances, then Misato continued, "In the right gear, it's reasonably safe. Riding three jalopies? It's going to be chancy."

To be continued...

Notes: Yes, I'm a James May fan. Bias admitted. On the other hand, he in fact DOES know how to land a jet liner. So, yeah. Any suggestions of awesome stuff Hammond might have gotten up to, would be welcomed.


	4. Chapter 4

Top Girls: Four!

The studio was a rebuilt hangar on the edge of Tokyo-3, now jammed full of excited people. Several monitors were on the walls, currently displaying animated versions of the Top Gear logo. Around the studio were cars bought by the team and abused in several challenges, including the wreckage of a Tesla they had pretty much destruction tested.

"Welcome, everyone!" Misato waved cheerfully in her usual tight top and mid-thigh skirt, "Welcome to Top Gear!"

There was a cheer from the crowd and Misato grinned even as the camera puled back to reveal the somewhat more serious looking Ritsuko and the smiling Maya. "We have a," Maya paused, "a very interesting challenge for you today."

"Possibly insanely dangerous too," Ritsuko noted dryly.

"Spoil sport," Misato teased.

"We'll also be test driving the new Tesla, the latest in a long line of dubious electric cars," Maya said with a impish smile. "Supposedly, it's the Tesla's attempt to create a supercar."

"But despite the wide spread use of electric cars, we feel they are still rubbish," Ritsuko said. "Now, I would like to be the one testing it, as we all know I would do it properly, but..."

"I got the keys first," Misato grinned as she jingled the key chain and the crowd laughed.

They cut to the track, a specially cleared section of Tokyo-3 roads. The new Tesla Venture had a traditional supercar look, low to the road and with moderate sized headlights. It was a long car, with a almost ovoid look, and it cut through the air smoothly.

"The Venture is the latest attempt at building a supercar using batteries, but it doesn't really FEEL like a supercar," Misato noted as they raced along the street. "There's no engine noise, which takes something away from the experience," she said.

The car raced along, barely humming despite the speed they were managing. She whipped it through a turn, and while the tires squealed, the engine barely blipped. "See?" she gestured, "A supercar should shout! It WANTS to be loud and obnoxious!"

"I will concede that they've managed to give it a fair turn of power," Misato noted as she drove, "zero to sixty in three seconds, and a top speed of two hundred. But while they've improved the batteries, they are STILL heavy as hell."

In a demonstration, Misato accelerated down a straightaway, then went into a tight corner. The back wheels skidded and the car wobbled, the beast nearly spinning out before she could wrestle it back under control.

"As you can see, it suffers from bad under steer, and you have to mentally figure in a LOT of extra room to manoeuvre," Misato said grimly. "On the plus side, they HAVE fixed the charging issues that earlier Teslas had," she said, "if you charge it up overnight, it'll run approximately 500 miles."

Taking the Tesla through another turn she added, "However, you have to let the Tesla finish it's charge cycle before unplugging from the outlet, which can be a pain. If you unplug it early, it will read fully charged, but battery power can die on you unpredictably."

Parking the car Misato got out, casually leaning against the car. "For a car of it's type it has a few other bonuses," she pointed out, "due to the tiny electric motor there's room for a good sized trunk and back seat, as well as all the usual bells and whistles for electronics." Amused, she added, "Sadly if you use them too much, you kill the battery life."

They cut back to the studio, where Ritsuko and Maya were looking over the Venture, Misato standing nearby in the middle of the watching crowd. "You know," Maya admitted, "it isn't even that attractive of a car."

"Well, it's not bad," Ritsuko said thoughtfully. She looked over at Misato and asked, "So, overall what would you say?"

"It's a good try," Misato said honestly, "but they haven't got a system yet that will ape what a supercar can do. They especially need to fix the one ton block in the middle that the batteries sit in. It handles like a boat."

Maya bit back a laugh. "It's not THAT bad, is it?" she asked.

"In the turns, yes," Misato shrugged. "But for a true test of it's mettle, we must turn it over to our tame race driver."

Ritsuko stepped forward, "Some say she is banned from the United States due to a incident involving a water buffalo." She paused to let the crowd chuckle, "And some say the Vice President is afraid of her blank helmet. All we know is, she's called the Stig!"

Out on the track, the Tesla Venture waited on the start line. The jumpsuit clad Stig, in dark visored helmet, flexed fingers on the wheel them roared off. The car barrelled down the straightaway, then into a turn, screeching tires.

"The Stig is off!" Maya narrated excitedly, "We've been waiting to see how high it would go on the leader boards! Wait, what's happening?"

The Venture slowed, then came to a stop. The Stig could be seen fiddling with controls. Finally the door opened, the Stig got out, and then calmly walked away.

They cut back to the the hangar set, where the hosts all looked kind of sheepish. "I guess the car wasn't fully charged?" Ritsuko suggested.

"Tesla is going to scream bloody murder," Misato predicted bleakly.

Maya decided it was best just to forge on. "As quickly as we can, we'll get the Stig into a replacement car," she said quickly, "and now, we'll do the challenge!"

"Right," Ritsuko recovered, leading the camera towards a map of a city, and was followed by Maya and Misato. "Today's challenge is going to be very interesting," she said briskly.

"Or possibly suicidal," Maya noted.

Misato ignored that as she said, "Our producers gave each of us a ridiculously low amount to purchase three used cars. Our only restriction was that they could not be designed for off road or have four wheel drive."

"Watch the monitors, this is going to be interesting," Misato said with a grin.

The scene cut to a damaged car park at the edge of old Tokyo, with a access road hooking into the more recent road systems. A older model BMW pulled up, the black car stopping with a slight jerk. Misato got out, smiling smugly.

"What I got was a 1999 BMW model," Misato said, "good engine. With turbo I might add." She patted the hood, "Not the prettiest car, I will concede, but durable, which I expect we'll need."

As a car was pulling in Misato turned, then blinked. "Is that... damn. That's a Porsche! With Ritsuko behind the wheel."

Ritsuko pulled up in the lot, smiling smugly as she got out of the sleek sportscar. "Hello, Misato. Nice car. Did you buy it from a concrete salesman?" she mocked.

"How the hell did you afford a Porsche?" Misato asked indignantly.

"It was rebuilt after a accident," Ritsuko conceded as she gestured to the red sports car, "but I had it inspected before I bought it."

"You'd better hope you got lucky," Misato shook her head, "you have no idea what kind of hidden flaws are in a rebuilt car."

Before they could continue arguing, they heard a cheery horn honk. Both turned, then froze as the little car rolled up. "You have got to be kidding me," Ritsuko blinked.

"It's a Beetle!" Misato yelped.

"Hello," Maya smiled at them gamely as she got out of the replica Volkswagon Beetle, done in lemon yellow.

"Why a Beetle?" Ritsuko had to ask.

"Because they are the go-everywhere vehicle," Maya shrugged, "it's small, agile and can be fixed with duct tape."

"And it's just your size," Misato teased.

Maya pouted. "Unlike yours..." she started then blinked at Ritsuko's flashy car as she asked, "You got a Porsche?"

"Used, yes," Ritsuko rolled her eyes.

Before they could tease each other any more, a figure in a lab coat appeared. Briskly he walked over to Misato and passed her the envelope. "Here you go," Gendo smiled, then hurried off.

"It always worries me when they smile like that," Maya noted nervously, then saw the look on Misato's face. "Bad?" she asked.

"Yes," Misato said, scanning the page.

"Very bad?" Ritsuko asked. "Bad as the Channel crossing?" she asked.

"Not THAT bad, thank goodness," Misato passed the paper to Ritsuko.

Ritsuko looked it over, "Okay, course through Tokyo, various challenges..." She stopped. "We're running through the flooded sections too?!" she asked indignantly.

Maya snatched the paper and read it, then looked at her Beetle. "My car won't DO that!" she complained.

"Well, looks like we're going to have to try," Misato decided. "Everybody mount up, we're going," she ordered.

"Right," Ritsuko sighed as she hurried to her car, Maya following even as Misato got behind the wheel. Within moments all three cars were going, two engines making throaty growls while the Beetle just chuffed softly, then they set out.

To be continued...

Notes: The Tesla electric car is a 'homage' more or less to something that happened in the original show. They tested the car, it worked okay, then the batteries died. The company that produced the car was understandably pissed and complained that Top Gear had rigged it to fail.

So, I'm bumping Top Gear back in time, if readers haven't noticed. Tho honestly Evangelion's timeline hasn't synched up with the real world for years anyway... so just roll with it. Heh.


	5. Chapter 5

Top Girls: Five

The Stig had a replacement Tesla, and in the second half of the show was taking it around the track. In the studio Misato noted seriously, "The Stig is really having to wrestle this car through the turns, but she's managing well!"

The Tesla skidded around the corner, the Stig grimly working the wheel.

"As expected, the extra weight of the massive batteries in the middle of the car is a issue, but she's coping nicely. Down the straight away, and into the Michael Schumaker memorial turn!" Misato narrated excitedly.

The car nearly fishtailed, again. Worse the car slid sideways a lot, nearly going right off the track before the Stig recovered.

"Did the Stig intentionally drift?" Misato yelped. "Or was that a accident?" Misato asked her fellow hosts excitedly.

"We may never know," Ritsuko noted dryly.

"On to the straight, heading to Gambon-2... then across the line!" Misato declared.

Cutting back to the studio, the three hosts were by the lap times board. None looked terribly thrilled as Misato held up the paper with the results and noted, "Well, that was disappointing."

"Misato!" Maya scolded.

"Well, it did do... rather badly," Ritsuko reluctantly admitted, despite her fondness for the electric cars in general.

Misato walked over and slapped the time up, "One minute fifteen, sadly enough. Puts it in the bottom third of times."

"And considering that was the Stig who was driving it, you may not get a better time," Maya conceded. "Tho Misato drives crazier."

"Hey!" Misato pouted, looking offended

"Don't forget that poor Toyota test model you overheated so badly the engine exploded," Ritsuko teased mercilessly.

"Anyway... we left off on our race across Tokyo with Ritsuko's porche breaking down. Again," Misato said dryly.

"Hey!" Ritsuko pouted.

"And surprisingly Maya was doing pretty well with the Beetle, and MY car was doing wonderfully," Misato beamed.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Won't start?" Maya asked as Misato bent over the open hood and peered at the engine. They were 'parked' in a deserted, wrecked street, with chunks of pavement buckled upwards.

"Yeah, I must have knocked something out when I went over that curb back there," Misato grumbled as she fiddled with the engine. "Rits! Turn the key!" she called.

"Yeah, yeah," the blonde grumbled as Ritsuko did so. The engine coughed a few times, but didn't start up.

"You know, the traditional Top Gear thing to do would be for us to just leave you behind," Maya teased Misato, "and continue the route. You'd either restart it and catch up, or you'd be rescued by the crew and have to take the punishment car."

"Do you want someone to tow your Beetle out of holes, again?" Misato pointed out.

"Okay, point," Maya conceded.

"What IS the punishment, this time?" Ritsuko wondered.

"Doing this on a motorbike," Misato said sourly.

The trio, along with a small film crew, had already made it about a third through their route through old Tokyo. The researchers, not being as insane as Gendo, had mapped out the route to be passable but difficult. However, they forgot to take into account the piece of crap cars the three hosts had picked out.

The BMW had proven to be a heavy car, and had crashed and banged it's way along the route. The Porche had been trouble almost from the start, conking out roughly a mile from where they started. Ironically the hated Beetle had held up best so far, not having any major mechanical problems other than getting stuck occasionally.

"May I?" Maya finally asked.

"You're going to make me look really stupid, aren't you?" Misato asked her wryly as she stepped back and let Maya at it.

"Probably," Maya agreed cheerfully. She tinkered a few minutes then called, "Senpai, please turn it over."

"Right," Ritsuko did as the engine roared back to life.

"I hate you," Misato sighed. Then added grudgingly, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Maya laughed.

"So," Ritsuko asked as she got out, "are we moving on?"

"Assuming your wheel doesn't come off," Misato smirked.

"Yuck it up," Ritsuko sighed.

Ritsuko was quickly deciding the Porche had been a bad, BAD idea. She was now quite certain that it hadn't been rebuilt properly, and the shaking, rattling and such she was hearing as she drove filled her with worry. Misato had claimed to see the one wheel actually wobbling, and she was worried she wasn't lying.

And before them was Tokyo, filled with wrecked roads, various degrees of flooding and other dangers. Misato's voice came over the radio, "We'll try to run till nightfall, barring anything going wrong, and we have a camp planned in one of the old car parks."

"Do we need that long?" Maya asked, surprised.

Ritsuko noted, "We're on Top Gear. Things HAPPEN."

"Point," Maya admitted.

"Let's go," Misato said, starting her car and leading the way across the wreckage.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Oh gods I am going to DIE," Ritsuko moaned as they reached the camp as the sun was going down behind the ruined towers of the city.

"That was scary," Maya whimpered.

"It wasn't THAT bad," Misato noted as she slammed her door. As it hit, the mirror mounted on the door wobbled, then fell off. "Crap."

Ritsuko got out, stretching as she moaned in pain. "I think the suspension is shot too," she admitted reluctantly.

Maya had also gotten out, and was looking at Ritsuko with some concern. "You're standing at a odd angle, senpai," she noted gently.

"Back hurts," Ritsuko admitted reluctantly.

"Well get some dinner going, then I'll try rubbing your back," Maya offered gently.

"Thankfully Top Gear Headquarters sent someone to cook dinner." Misato noted, smiling as a familiar young man worked over the camp stove.

"I started before you got here," Shinji noted, wearing a white lab coat for a costume, "should be done fairly soon."

"Oh thank goodness," Ritsuko sighed, "I was worried we'd have to eat whatever Misato caught and cooked up."

"I don't think anyone at headquarters is THAT cruel," Maya noted dryly.

"Oh, yuck it up," Misato said dryly. She looked over at Maya, "You okay? I know the wild dogs scared you."

Maya grimaced. It had happened at a bathroom break, of all things. They found some green area, the crew checked it was safe, then the women had... done their business. All as usual, pretty much. But Maya had apparently picked somewhere near where some wild dogs were denning.

It had been both hilarious and scary as Maya burst from the bushes, pantless, chased by wild dogs. She scrambled into her car as the crew got guns out, firing shots to scare the animals away.

"I'm fine," Maya sighed. "Deeply humiliated, but fine."

"WE can ask Gendo about editing that bit out," Ritsuko offered.

Maya looked at her incredulously, "You're kidding. Even I can see that would be comedy gold."

"Well, yes," Misato admitted.

"Exactlt," Maya sighed. Reflectively she looked off in the distance and added, "Maybe in a few years I'll look back at this and laugh."

"I hope so," Ritsuko patted her arm.

Dinner was called, and the three women collected their food, thanking Shinji politely. They ate around a camp fire, even as the ruins of the city loomed up around them.

"It's kind of spooky," Maya shivered.

Ritsuko scooted a bit closer and put a arm over Maya's shoulders. "We won't be out here too much longer," she offered.

"She's right, we should be able to finish the route tomorrow," Misato said optimistically. Assuming nothing else went wrong, of course...

To be continued...


	6. Interlude

Top Girls

Interlude

Maya Ibuki strode out in a bathing suit, a two piece that hugged her small but perky breasts. "Why do I have to wear this?" she complained.

"Fanservice!" Misato yelled from off screen.

Maya sighed dramatically. "Okay, okay," she said, then cleared her throat as she held up a document. "This is a Top Gear related announcement from the Author!"

"Why isn't this being done as a author's note?" Ritsuko asked even as she admired Maya in a swimsuit.

"Fanfiction site doesn't like 'em," Misato sighed.

"Nice bunny girl outfit," Ritsuko noted the ears, swimsuit and bunny tail.

"You and Maya can borrow it later," Misato noted. "As this is officially non-canon, you can ravage her and get away with it."

Ritsuko blushed furiously but didn't deny it.

Maya cleared her throat. "As many of you may be aware, Jeremy Clarkson was recently fired from Top Gear, and James May and Richard Hammond quit in protest," she read. "I'm sure many of you are concerned how this will impact this fanfiction."

They waited for a response. Crickets chirped in the distance.

Misato strode on stage in her bunny girl costume, bunny ears bouncing, along with other parts of her body. "No applause, just throw money," she joked, and promptly got dinged in the face with a quarter. "WHO DID THAT?" she growled.

The Stig waved from the crowd.

"You are gonna pay for that later," Misato told her. Addressing the audience she said, "In fact the resignation will have no effect on this series. The timeline this story uses assumes Impact happened several years before the resignation could have happened, so it will have no impact."

"So... why do this announcement at all?" Asuka complained, waving her arms as she stood dressed in her 'sexy funtimes' plugsuit with partially transparent front.

"Because the author seized on the opportunity to work in some fanservice?" Ritsuko shrugged eloquently. "Now if you don't mind, I'm taking Maya and going home."

"Eeep!" Maya yelped as she was bodillu picked up and thrown over Ritsuko's shoulder.

"That is so out of character," Shinji noted.

Just then the Stig picked up Shinji and carried HIM off, yelling.

"Well, fuck," Asuka complained...

To be continued...

Notes: Yeah, silly filler bit.

I'm still rather stunned the BBC fired Clarkson. The loss they're gonna suffer locally will be huge, and don't get me stated on Top Gear's international sales. One assumes they will try to keep the show going with new stars, but I seriously wonder how.

On the plus side, it at least looks likely Clarkson, Hammond and May will carry on at another network.


End file.
